SF is the wild wild west man
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Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”