SF is the wild wild west man
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I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!