@AbbeYaar

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

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@TheBoydP

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

@ElgatoEsmio

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

@EllaZee5

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

@jonnysun

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

@MomofTeen

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

@suz1973luq

Text exchange: me- we need eggs. hub- how many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.

@jesseltaylor

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

@goldengateblond

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.