Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
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If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
mmm onion ringos
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Happy Friday
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Breaking news:
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so