Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
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Are you Eminem?
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Oh. My. God.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.