If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
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if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I gave up going to work for lent.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?