Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.