[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
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[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
The asteroid..
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.