Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
You Might Also Like
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it