Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
You Might Also Like
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My favorite female superhero
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
(yawn)
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her