Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

*orders delivery*

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!