Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them