Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.