Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”