Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.