shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.