Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Before & after 😅

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

pain

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”