SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
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“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.