SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
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{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?