Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

😆this is so true

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.