SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.