Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.