shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
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Did a trash talking tree write this?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.