Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.