shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
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If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
And they lived apathetically ever after.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.