[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
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Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
at ease…shoulder.
A roof is a house hat.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.