Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more