Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.