Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH