Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”