Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!