Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

Guys which shade of gery should I get

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

Not messing around

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”