Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

I have many caverns

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

😂

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.