Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

rip to my favourite tweet

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

😂

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.