Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.