shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
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The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
You are not alone 💚
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Old old old old old west
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.