Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

War & Peace

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.