shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
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I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
You don’t even know
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,