SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My patience has stretch marks.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
who wore it better?
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble