Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

Worst perfume name ever.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.