Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
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[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
🖤✌🏽
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT