Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
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6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
i really liked this one
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
It’s on my to-do list.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
🤣🤣🤣
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.