Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
You Might Also Like
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Math at Halloween.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Think I pulled my liver
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.