Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Gods work.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
White Castle for the Win
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
What personal space?
My dog
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.