Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
So true for me
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.