Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
You Might Also Like
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.