“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
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Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Hilarious if literal: arms race