Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

God tier horse name today on the sims

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

spicy snake

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position