“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
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When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
These 3D printers are insane!
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.