Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

I need a long hot meteor shower

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”