Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
won’t smith
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.