Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to