Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane