Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
The struggle is real.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense