Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun
And shouts “This is a stick-up!”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.