Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

This is my brand.

fixed it

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary