“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
men, we mow at sunrise.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
pep talk
