“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no