“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Not all heroes wear capes.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.