*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
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Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!