Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!