[shakes fist at other fist]
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*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!