[shakes fist at other fist]
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This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
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Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.