*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
You Might Also Like
🤣
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling