*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
You Might Also Like
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.