*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do