Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

Me too

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.