Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

Donating blood today to make room for more food

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

I drew y’all a little something.

At Walmart during the holidays like..