SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Bless you
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.