Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!