Shakespeare: Know thyself
Me: [changes into trashy t-shirt before eating spaghetti]
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Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”