shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
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Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?