Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Baller is short for ballerina

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.