*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
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Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT