Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT