*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
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“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
mariah carrie
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂