Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

We have a winner.

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me