Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what the

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Thinking about a snail with a limp

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?