Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

Usage Guidelines

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

become ungovernable

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.